Hi! Long time no post hehe.
I was reading my earlier posts, and it sounds like i was really a cheerful person hahaha (or is it just me? lol). Well, i do not know if something like personality quiz is accurate, but i got “extraversion” most of the time, which means i tend to share my thoughts openly and that might be the reason why i always find it entertaining to share them.
This time might be kinda different from the rest of posts tho–although the title of this post might already give the idea hahaha.
Since i’m in my semester break now, it seems that all of ‘heavy’ thoughts are coming to my mind. During my 4 years of bachelor degree (oh! i’ve graduated btw! Thank God lol), i always had activities that occupied most of my times.
-The first semester i was appointed as the representation of my department in community service in a secluded area
-Second semester i volunteered in architectural community service led by my lecturer in Cikini, Jakarta. We built a creative house to enrich the people’s lives there
-Third semester i was appointed as general secretary of student body in my department so i spent my entire semester serving my department’s people(?).
-Fourth semester was still the same, i even went to Singapore to do some benchmark on building a good student body
-Fifth semester i joint an international joint studio with master students from Japan. They’re from Chiba University and Tokyo University
-Sixth semester i decided to do an internship in my lecturer’s architecture firm
-Seventh semester i joint another international joint studio with the students from USA and Britain
-Eight semester i join another lecturer’s project in urban design field, join some conferences, being a junior tutor and graduated.
(I actually spent my times in English Village somewhere along those lines and also dedicated my times to do (and won) some architecture competitions, but i already forget the times lol. I probably mess up the timeline above too hahaha.)
If i lay down the list, i think i’ve done lots of things. i experienced lots of things during my school, i thought i must be an architect since i’ve already come so far. that’s why i decided to continue my school to professional degree.
And then, here comes the final submission of professional degree studio. When it was only two days away to the deadline, a thought suddenly hit me.
“what am i doing here when i don’t even have any talent in architecture? what am i doing when i’m a no good for this? i don’t even make any progresses and keep falling behind my friends”
I swear i tried my best not to compare myself to my friends. I know half of my class had earlier experiences since they chose to work first before coming back to take the professional degree, and half of them are the same year as me but i always think they’re better than me.
I really, truly tried my best not to compare myself with other people.
but the thing is, i could not chase the inferior thought away. fortunately i still have some energy to finish my final submissions, so i didn’t fail this semester hahaha.
However, when my semester break came, i was at lost.
from the moment i got the negative thoughts, i wonder why did i like architecture in the first place. i wrote down some dreams on my notebook, but when i read them again i lose all the will to chase them.
I spent two whole days to figure out what was i feeling just to find out that i’ve had this experience back in my second year of architecture school. Back then, i was so depressed that i didn’t leave my bed for a whole week (my roommate was really worried since she was the only one who knew i didn’t leave our room at all lol). All i did was crying on my bed, i lost my appetite, i lost my will to go to school, i didn’t know what to do nor anything i wanted to do.
I was such a mess, but that time, it was because i was having an argument with my tutor. (Oh, i must warn anyone who wants to take the road to architectural field, you MUST have a heart of steel. I kid you not, it’s a battlefield in a studio). But this time, it was different. My studio life was better and less stressful than my bachelor ones. So it kinda confuses me when the thought came and my confidence drifted away.
After two days of doing nothing, i finally made up my mind.
i’m going to rediscover myself.
i realised that the one that stops me from being confidence is actually my own self. i am the one who tells me that i’m not good enough. i’m the one who keeps doubting my own self. and IT IS NOT EASY to deal with yourself ( i mean it, you are the biggest enemy that you have). When someone doubts you or tries to take you down, it’s easier to show them the other way around. But when your own thoughts telling you the same thing, it naturally becomes your way of thinking.
i tried to reread my dream list. but then i realised, all of them were long-term wishes. It requires so much effort and times to reach. I figured out that’s the reason i never felt accomplished before. I always set a long-term goal.
and so, i tried making shorter ones. and not only shorter, but also simpler.
i wrote down my day-to-day wishes. such as ‘eating karaage’, ‘buy red-ink pen’, ‘watching a movie’ or ‘read over this book’, anything that can be done quickly. and it helps a lot. i feel more accomplished and relax. i finally know the reason i was so restless. it was because i’m afraid. afraid of what will tomorrow brings me, and what if i’m not ready yet? i forget rather than thinking if i can become an architect, i should just enjoy my times doing what i can and what i want and what can make me happy.
i focus too much on the future, i let my present self exhausted.
so these days i’m doing what i really like to do, and not stressing out my own self. i’m telling myself that it’s okay to take a break and not doing what everyone else is doing. it’s okay that i’m resting while everyone’s running to their dreams. because each of us has our own pace. and it’s okay not to compete with each other. it’s okay.
i tried to keep telling myself those lines and they actually boost my self-esteem little bit hahaha (a part of me still thinking that i might be just running away or making some excuses for myself lol).
but i decided not to be so hard on myself.
i decided that i don’t have to be happy all the time. i don’t have to be so in love with architecture and urban design all the time. i don’t have to spend all my times with my works and thinking about my future all the time.
it really takes a long time for me to realise that hahaha. but this is just the beginning of me rediscovering myself and my passion. i still need lots of time to find out what i want to be and what i want to do. but this time, i won’t stress over it 🙂
i still haven’t found why i like architecture in the first place, nor the reason why i haven’t given up yet when i’m clearly tired of it. but now, i think it’s okay to have those thoughts. maybe i could grow up learning lots of things while trying to explore the reasons, or maybe i could discover new things on the way 🙂
and that, concludes my thought of the day. hope everyone who stumbled across this post and feeling the same way might find it helpful or at least comforting enough hahaha.
let’s chase our dreams, but don’t stress over the future. it’s okay to take a rest, and it’s okay not to be competitive all the time. you deserve happy present times 🙂