Embarking on a New Journey

I have recently finished my professional degree school, now with the bachelor and professional degree, anyone who does not really get how architectural life work would think that it would be really easy for me to find jobs. People would expect that I would build my own firm, getting projects every now and then.

But actually, before all of that would happen, the first thing that crossed my mind was “do I really want to be an architect? why am I here anyway?”

Going to professional degree school means that you’re one step closer to being an architect, you just need to do some registration and *yada yada yada* work for two years *yada yada yada* and oh you’d be one someday in the future. Isn’t that great? Easy to imagine right? So I tried to send my portfolios all around to try out my luck (it was never about luck actually, but yeah it played part). Then I got one.

I was hesitating at first, wether to accept the offer or not. Afterall I was the one who sent the portfolio, weren’t I? However I was not really sure about my choice, so I talked to some people and they encourage me to take it. Saying that it was such a rare chance, eventhough it was not an architecture firm, it was a landscape one. But it did not last long, for I kept on longing to work with buildings and theories, and I could not fit in to the environment itself.

Frankly, I have always been raised in a good environment. All of the people around me were those who have healthy lifestyle, practice their believe to God, being (at least) nice to their surroundings, and all of the things that sounds like I really never encounter any bad events. (Although of course I had met some not-so-good experiences with people)

So it took me a great shock to know that there are people who live their life 180 degree the opposite. It was actually a great wake up call to me, showing that I cannot always hang onto the good comfort zone of mine for the rest of my life. Because people leave, and you will not always be with those who surround you right now. So I gave up, I could not bear with the situation and it stressed me out to be in the said environment.

Now I’m actually trying to re-plan out my life.

Rather than asking myself what I want to be, now I have found new questions, like “can I really survive this life? Am I too naive? What would I do in the near future? What kind of life would I encounter? Am I ready to live this real world?”

Because I would not lie, the last experience scared me to hell. I had no friends to talk to, my parents thought I was just whining, and I never have a thought to follow the office life style either. Reality seems to be the scariest world.

But every now and then, I keep thinking if I ever make the right choice. What if i take a wrong step? What if this is not the way? I am not sure what should I do in my life, what is the purpose to keep me going.

But then I realise,

The truth is, I’d never feel certain enough.

I figure that I think of so many if(s), it restrains me from going anywhere. I am still scared of life of course, I realise it is actually a greater burden than it looks like. But maybe it is time for me to keep moving forward. Despite all the anxiety I have, the scary things I’ll encounter one day, the uncertainty I keep in my mind. I suppose that those things would help me to learn as I’m growing up and deciding which direction I want to sail in life.

Because life is all about uncertainty itself, I should try and face it.

And above all, life is about choices to make. It was never wrong, I should never regret any of my choices, because I always believe that everything happens for a reason. So I’m trying to breath in and out, accepting my life, relaxing my mind…

and getting ready to embark on a new journey.

have a good day everyone 🙂


12th World Congress on Design and Health : I Learn New Things

First of all, no, I am not going. But yes, it is happening, in Vienna, Austria this July. And yes, my abstract was actually accepted. But I’m not going haha.

For those who have read my previous post might know that I already laid out my comments on how hard it is to get grants and all lol. Well, it is true, and I do experience it this time. I made and share proposals to everyone and every company that might probably wants to support me, but even until I tried for a whole six months, it went futile.

I tried it from the government, the independent companies, the relatives and all. But all were a fail. They were either ignoring me or rejecting me lol. Although there was actually one grant that I could get, however I should change the name of the researcher (basically not using my name), and the grant was only for the first author, so it’s basically my paper would be presented just not by me, and I’d still be not going. So I declined.

I was sad, I never know that it was so hard to get new experience. So I started think to myself that I should not be greedy. Maybe this is not the right time for me to go. I tried to let go. Plus, my Mum is actually in need for the money for her study so I assure myself that it is the best thing to do now.

Then, I tried to keep myself busy. I focused on my works and study, but I was actually still wanting to go lol. I actually lose my spirit, but I could not show it, it would sadden my Mum anyway, thinking that I should give way to her when we’re both need the money.

But, here is the thing.

When you got accepted in an international conferences or congress, especially with limited participant, and limited money (sobs;; lol). YOU SHOULD LET THE CHAIRMAN KNOWS (you know, usually the one who tells you that you passed is the chairman, so just email him).

I mean, really really really stupid of me! I did not think that being honest on email saying that I could not come due to financial issue would actually be so helpful! (although it’s too late now lol). I decided to send an email to him regarding the issue I was dealing with, and I apologised to him that I could not join the congress. I did not expect him to reply anything, I was just trying to let go.


He replied 3 minutes later. Like, it was so fast I did not even close my tab yet.


Oh. My. God.

You know it took me two months to finally decide I should just email him and apologise, so it’s basically only a week to the event and how could we make it happen now when everything’s already settled? LOL

After I read his email, I cried my eyes out haha.

I was really moved by the fact that even my own country and relatives did not give me any options nor are they trying to find me a solution, but someone whom I know only from an email said he would have helped me if I asked him;;;;;

I know i overreacted, but I truly feel like all the heavy things in my heart are lifted through that one particular email. It does not matter anymore that I would not be going, it just the fact that actually someone acknowledge and appreciate me enough he would helped me find a solution that actually got into my heart…

I mean, maybe not all of the chairman of any congress or conferences would do the same, but well, it does not hurt to try. It might give you the best solution out of all.

Anyway he told me to keep in touch because he might be visiting my country or nearby country later. It really boost up my energy (I even finally finished my portfolio HAHA)

Well, this is actually just an add up to my previous one. I was told that I am a lucky kid because I got to experience many things and go to many places, but I’d like to share that those times are actually just a bit pieces of the hard times lol. Life is hard, living is harder, it’s just that I decided not to meddle with the thought haha.

Anyway, with this post, it could also be one of the ways you could get some support to strive for any experience. So, i’ll just leave it here 🙂

Have a nice soon-to-end weekend everyone!

Screen Shot 2017-07-09 at 4.24.04 PM
I got to be a poster presenter, my name’s in number P12. It was actually good enough for me to be recognised, I would not ask for more, it might be for the best for now 🙂

Joining a Conference : Little Chick Steps

Hi, it’s been a while. I’m not really good in writing in routines hence the irregular updates on this blog lol. Today’s blog is even from last year’s update haha, it’s because I just remember that I have not shared it yet.

Okay, cut to the real content, this time I’d like to share about conferences. To be fair, I’d just lay out the fact that at that time I was totally a fresh graduate, holding a Bachelor Degree in Architecture. I’m actually writing this trying to encourage anyone who wants to join a conference yet hesitating, thinking that you’re not good enough or you’re still young (because that’s what crossed my mind everytime lol)

Last year, prior to graduation, the students in last semester needed to write a thesis on anything that they put interest on. We were then facilitated by the lecturer, getting feedbacks and critics, and when everything was done, we were obliged to share our findings to the academic world.

One day, my lecturer said that my thesis group should each join a conference, sending our thesis. He encouraged us to try on challenging in the academic world, internationally. I was…oblivious? lol. I just thought it was so cool, I did not think it through and just send it to the opening conferences at that time.

There were two opening conferences, both are international, so I tried both of them. My lecturer reminded me that I could not send the same paper, since it could be a plagiarism of my own findings (basically me copying me haha). So I took my time to breakdown and explore my own thesis so that it could be born(?) into 2 different papers.

Then I just sent them out, not hoping for anything to happen. I was just a fresh graduate anyway, I bet lots of great brainers are from higher education and up. However, it took me by surprise to know that both of my papers got accepted.

Oh btw, this is me not being structured, it should be the announcement of the paper acceptance first, then you sent your paper, if your paper got accepted, then it means you’re officially counted as the participant of the conference. (I notice that some conferences only take notes on your abstract tho, so you should do your best on the abstract!)

Since I sent them at the last hours, I did not expect I could be accepted at all. There are lots of issue regarding the payment and everything. I mean, I was just trying everything without knowing that it costs alot! YES EVERYONE, YOU EVERY YOUNG ONES, CONFERENCES COST A LOT SADDD;;;;

The first conference coming up, and I-GOT-SCARED.

What if I say something stupid? What if my paper is actually just a simple-minded findings through this simple brain of mind? What if other people mock me for being oblivious to my own ability? Like, I do not feel smart at all. I felt like I would be the dumbest participant in that conference.

Then, I quit.

I let my fear came to me and made me quit, I regretted a bit because before I knew it, the second conference was coming. This time, I thought to myself that I should not make the same mistakes. So I went for it. I searched the most possible way to get to the conference in the most affordable cost.

Well, like the people said, where there is a will, there is a way! Because I totally found the cost that par up to my budget.

The second conference happened to be held in Chiba University, in Japan. Anyone who lives in my country would know that the airfare to go to Japan equals around 3 times our country’s GDP, meaning anyone who works here with standard payment would lose the three-months-salary just to get the airfare. But prior to my departure, there was a travel fair happening in my country. I remember I came really early to get the cheapest one, and I got it. Thanks to the travel fair, I got the ticket by half of the usual price. It was totally worth it the exhaustion I got from standing all day lol.

I then checked on my senior who lives in Japan due to her master degree. I was asking her for an affordable accommodation for a week, and she asked me to just come to her place instead! I was really touched, I never thought that it would be fine to just live out of someone even for a week, she even cooked for me and treated me to sushi bar. But she really is a nice person, I’ve worked with her in my freshmen years, she is someone that I actually look up to. Which makes me even hesitating to burden her huhu;;;;

Well, you know, when you’re a lecturer or anyone from higher education, it might be easier to get the grants to go to conferences. But there were none for the undergraduates. I guess the academic people in my country might find it futile to waste money on a kid who is just trying to get his/her little chick steps lol. That’s why I tried so hard to cut down the expenses and try lots of things to get the most affordable one. (I even shopped in a secondhand store in Japan, not buying the new ones lol. Except for the gifts I bought for others tho)

Cut to the conference, I eventually ended up coming and following all the programs. It was however as I expected, I was the youngest there. Well, there were other two people of my age, so technically we are the youngest lol. The other people are those who are pursuing their doctoral degree, master degree or are in research team. I was alone. I went alone to Japan, I join the conference alone, eventhough I live with my senior, most of the time I travel alone since she’s still busy with her thesis.

I would not lie, I was still scared. I had to present my paper in front of so many people who are above my league. But this time I did not back out, I tried my best. Surprisingly, I actually could catch up with the others. Sure thing I still looked dumb compared to them lol, but I did try to speak out my mind regarding their papers and findings. I learn a lot from many fields, and I was actually happy that my paper opened up a new field to them as well. I got to befriend some of the presenter who are older and much more experienced than me, and the really appreciated me. The plus point of being the youngest is that everyone would dot on you, so no one let me be alone during the next program lol. It was fun, since I came with no one but I went back home with new friends.

At the end of the program, there were award ceremonial. Of course I didn’t get it lol, but one of my new friends got selected as the best presenter. She is one of young lecturers (she might be just 5 years older than me?) I’ve ever known so it was really amazing seeing her, tho to be honest I’m not surprised, she gave off the intelligent aura when you talk to her lol.

Anyway, I know it might be hard for the students who thinks that they’re still young to strive for the international stages. I mean, I would not sugarcoat anything, my country’s education is actually lacking… Education is really expensive, not all people could access it. There are lots of bright minds who could not shine through because they just cannot get the grants to do it. Of course there are lots of scholarship, but yeah most of them are high-standard, if not only available to those with doctoral degree. I’d actually want to share that not only the people in the higher education who has passion in researching, but also the younger ones. It would be good if there is a platform to help all of them to get the education that all of us deserved.

So, I’d like anyone who reads this to know that everything would have a way when you really want it. Do not let the country’s standard blocking you from getting more experiences. If the scholarship does not work, then try other things. Make proposals, email them to whoever you know that might help you, search for travel fairs, contact your friends or relatives, EVERYTHING could help you.

No, you are not too young.

And of course, not dumb. Do not follow anyone standard, make your own and live to it. Widen your view and hold your chin up, because you can do and you can be everything that you are earnestly striving on 🙂

Well, with that I’ll leave my post to now. I hope it’s helpful haha.

And here’s some photos of the programs! (We went to Fuji Mt. but it was closed due to the heavy snowfall). Cheers!

Jenesys 2.0 Batch 8, Urban Engineering and City Planning (2014)

Good evening everyone! I know this post is soooo three years ago, but i just remember that i have not done my homework on writing about this program review. I should have written it three years ago, but i was not really into blogs–or anything about socmed so all i did was spreading the photos in my own facebook page.

So, almost three years ago, i was selected to be one of the delegations going to Japan as an exchanged students under the collaboration of Ministry of Higher Education in my country and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Japan.

It is called JENESYS 2.0 (Japan-East Asia Network of Exchange for Students and Youths). You can get the whole of ideas behind the program in these websites –> JICE and MOFA they both will provide you about the program details and how to join.

If you ask me to sum up, Jenesys 2.0 is about a fully supported (*cough*free*cough*) exchange program where you will be exposed to the beauty of Japan and will get a chance to experience living as one of the family in Japan. Each of batch has different theme, as an example there was a theme of J-Pop culture, Japanese Language, Football, Recycling and as for my batch it was Urban Engineering and City Planning.

Group C upon arriving at Narita International Airport, Japan, April 2014

There were around 97 students from all across Indonesia gathered for this batch, then we were separated into 4 groups–A to D. Each group then will be accompanied by supervisors from both Indonesia and Japan sides. Then we were taken to the opening ceremonial, where we were greeted by the government themselves, they wished us to have an enjoyable stay in Japan while it lasted.

We flew to Japan on April 2014 (i forget the date, i guess it’s around 22nd to 29th? because the Sakura was fully blooming by the time we got there). We got to experience the Tokyo life first–eating delicious foods, going to Tokyo Sky Tree, going to Asakusa Temple, and a traditional-turned-into-museum-house. Since the theme was Urban Engineering and City Planning, we learnt about their technologies in developing their countries through buildings and city planning but still rooting to their belief.

For example, they designed the high-tech Tokyo Sky Tree with the concept of samurai blade, and whilst their reputation to being a high-tech country, Japan still keeps their traditional houses and temples here and there as their valuable treasure to pass down the knowledge to the next generations.

Group C in front of Asakusa Temple, Japan 2014.

The schedule was really packed, you do not get much time to go here and there. I remember we got into a slight trouble when some students wanted to go shopping in Tokyo and got home late. We were allowed to go to near areas such as Shibuya or Harajuku under the supervision and accompanied by the supervisors, we went by the subway and it was exciting because for some (almost all) of us it was our first time going to this Land of Rising Sun. But then some of us came late and all of the supervisors from Japan’s sides were terribly worried they almost got police to search on us (i get it though, since we were foreigner and still kids, without supervisors it would be dangerous to wander around at nights in a foreign country).

Anyway, the problem asides, we then went to Sendai as our next stop. As a privilege, we were taken to the northern part of Japan by Shinkansen–the fast train that everyone has talked about. It was fast indeed, i don’t even remember how we spent our time in the train and suddenly we already arrived at the Sendai Station.

Upon arriving, Sendai was more in the northern part than Tokyo, which means the Sakura was fully blooming rather than the ones in Tokyo–Japan stretched over South to North so the flower blooms from bottom to top according to the weather. That was the first time i saw Sakura, and it was really beautiful. So beautiful that you’d be afraid to touch it lol.

Group C Sakura viewing, Sendai, Japan 2014.

That was also the first time i know that Sakura has many types according to their colours and how the tree is hanging. There were the white popcorn-liked ones and pinkish ones. There were the fully-packed-with-flower tree and also the hanging ones–called shidare-zakura. We were walking in the middle of blooming Sakura even the photo turned out pinkish lol.

After that we went to Tohoku University–one of Japan’s reputable university located in Sendai, Japan. We toured their laboratories, such as the tsunami-detecting laboratory, architecture studios–where they stored the models and student’s panels, and also attend some seminars about how they develop technologies on decreasing the effect of earthquakes on their buildings and cities–they also showed us the real thing while doing the tour but i forget where i put the photos, sorry…

Now to the more personal part, we got a chance to try living in the local family house. We went to Kitakata–where there was a fuss about the nuclear reaction due to its closeness to the affected area when a huge earthquake hit the country–and met our home-stay okaa-san and otou-san (mom and dad, respectively). I remember i slipped and called my okaa-san as obaa-san (granny) as i was really nervous when we met the first time HAHA! I’m so sorry okaa-san! 

Anyway! This experience is actually our get-away from the busy schedule Jenesys 2.0 has for the students! The family was really warm and welcoming! My family’s name is Yamauchi, there were otou-san, okaa-san, onii-san (brother–their child), onee-san (sister–the child’s wife)and Haruto-kun (their grandson). I was the only one who could speak little bits of Japanese back then, so it was hard for me at first because i had to keep translating back and forth. However, as the time passed, we were all able to understand better even without language barrier.

We were always greeted with lots of food! Kitakata, Japan 2014.
Okaa-san taught us how to do Ikebana, Kitakata, Japan 2014.
Also learnt to wear Yukata with Sensei, Kitakata, Japan 2014.

I was actually amazed by their lifestyle. I mean, most of the people i met there were older than my own Mom and Dad, but they were still healthy and strong. One day morning, we were told to follow Otou-san to get some vegetables. I thought we were supposed to accompany him to buy some just to realise that we were given a basket and harvest-tools. Yep, we were going to harvest our own vegetables.

Morning with Otou-san to get some Asparagus, Kitakata, Japan 2014.

Apparently, Otou-san has his own asparagus bed, wow. We were taught how to harvest the asparagus, from choosing to cutting. It was really fun! The weather was cold yet felt so nice. While walking back home, otou-san asked us to give some of our asparagus to the neighbour harvesting near us then introducing us, as a return we got another vegetable from the lady. So that was how they stayed close to their neighbours, i thought.

Coming home and okaa-san was already preparing to cook breakfast. We were told to rinse the aspara–it’s how they call asparagus–then help okaa-san in frying them. Okaa-san prepared karaage and aspara as our breakfast. I was originally hated vegetables, but forced myself to finish them since it was impolite not to. But i do come to like aspara then lol.

Next, okaa-san and otou-san took us to a castle. Since it was the time for hanami–sakura viewing–so it’s rather crowded. But it was really beautiful. The castle was surrounded by Sakura trees. There were lots of historical stories and the castle itself was turned into a museum for the visitors.

With beloved Okaa-san and Otou-san, Japan 2014.
Samurai of the Castle, Japan 2014.

By the time we were supposed to part with the Yamauchi family, one of my friends cried so hard that okaa-san was also crying. Otou-san took his time to print out some of our photos that he took of us. It was really touching. We hugged each other and promising to come back if possible and learn Japanese so that we would communicate with decent language instead of body language haha.

Then, we were back to our whole group of Batch 8.

Before our time was done, we were able to experience one more of their culture–the open Onsen. It was the hot spring facilities where people would bath together in an open (or closed, there was closed ones) area. So while we relaxing in the water, we could still looking at the great view surrounding us. It was really embarrassing at first but then when you get the feeling of it you just got along with it and enjoy it lol (AND OF COURSE it was separated between boys and girls! lol!)

Group C’s last dinner with Bang Hali (one of supervisors from Indonesia), Japan 2014.

Before going back to Tokyo and packed our things up, we were given times to prepare our presentation in groups. Yep, you have the responsibility to make a report on the things you’ve learnt throughout the program and what kind of things would you do after you go back from this program.

So on the last day, back in Tokyo, we were gathered once again in front of the representatives of MOFA to present our reports and our ideas on how we would use the knowledge in our future later. The government of course appreciated all of our hard works in the presentations, they asked us to come back and spread the news of this program (which i’m doing now despite it’s being three years ago *sobs, sorry Sir*). I did come back after two-three years though haha.

That time, aside from the technology, of course i did not really realise what was i learning (lol). I was being really captivated by the beauty of the country. However, i then realised that the beauty comes from the people. They love their country so much–they preserved their heritages and respect the nature, they put their belief even in high-tech buildings and practice them. They also strive to protect their own country and people by developing the technologies that can do them better things. They put their country and people first and still respect others.

Their kindness to stranger is also another thing. I remember one time i needed to buy a suitcase for a friend who fell sick and his suitcase was broken. I did not know what to do nor where to go. I asked a random girl and she deliberately asked me to follow her. She then took me to a near shop where i can buy a new suitcase for my friend, she accompanied me until i was done with the transaction and then we separated ways after saying goodbye.

That was really something.

Well, it was a really fun experience for me. Aside from all the new things happening in another country, i got to meet lots of new friends from my own country across Indonesia. We spent so many happy times together, laughing, learning, caring for the ones who were sick. The journey does not only give experiences but also friendship. I am really grateful towards everyone whom i met during those times. Not only the friends, but also the supervisors, the governments, the Yamauchi family, the people i met in Japan.

With that, i step on my next journeys. I sincerely thank everyone who made it possible.

Till we meet again, my friends!

Group C on the last day of Jenesys 2.0 Batch 8 with Supervisors: Bang Hali, Eric-san, Yamada-san, Japan 2014.


Here’s a video link to sum up our journey by one of my Jenesys’ friends! Enjoy and good night everyone! JENESYS 2.0 Batch 8: Urban Engineering and City Planning

Little Things I Like

Spending time alone.

Reading good books,

Watching good films. The ones teaching you about life–or about an exciting adventures. You can feel their excitement, their thumping heart. Laughing and crying with the characters.

Sipping a nice cup of chamomile tea in a cafe with good musics–the soothing ones.

Writing random thoughts or random stories. Whichever comes to mind first.

Making lists about what to do, what to buy or what i like.



and Exploring places–spaces.

Piano sounds, Guitar sounds. Opera, Musical, Orchestra.

Drawing and doodling–or doing research while doodling on about it.

Adoring buildings, houses, parks, cities–any architectural designs.

Writing in capital LETTERS–only when it is hand-written.

Watching funny videos on youtube–sometimes people dancing, skating, doing rhythmic gymnastic moves.

Cycling around area in the morning–so that i would not meet other people or vehicles.

Laze around with Mom or friends.

Holding hand with Dad while taking a stroll.

Singing out loud, sharing stories with Mom while driving to supermarkets or home.


I wish I could still do those things even years after now.

Wherever I would be, I hope I could still take times to do them.

Because in this life,

Those are the little things I like the most.


Experiencing Slumps

Hi! Long time no post hehe.

I was reading my earlier posts, and it sounds like i was really a cheerful person hahaha (or is it just me? lol). Well, i do not know if something like personality quiz is accurate, but i got “extraversion” most of the time, which means i tend to share my thoughts openly and that might be the reason why i always find it entertaining to share them.

This time might be kinda different from the rest of posts tho–although the title of this post might already give the idea hahaha.

Since i’m in my semester break now, it seems that all of ‘heavy’ thoughts are coming to my mind. During my 4 years of bachelor degree (oh! i’ve graduated btw! Thank God lol), i always had activities that occupied most of my times.

-The first semester i was appointed as the representation of my department in community service in a secluded area
-Second semester i volunteered in architectural community service led by my lecturer in Cikini, Jakarta. We built a creative house to enrich the people’s lives there
-Third semester i was appointed as general secretary of student body in my department so i spent my entire semester serving my department’s people(?).
-Fourth semester was still the same, i even went to Singapore to do some benchmark on building a good student body
-Fifth semester i joint an international joint studio with master students from Japan. They’re from Chiba University and Tokyo University
-Sixth semester i decided to do an internship in my lecturer’s architecture firm
-Seventh semester i joint another international joint studio with the students from USA and Britain
-Eight semester i join another lecturer’s project in urban design field, join some conferences, being a junior tutor and graduated.
(I actually spent my times in English Village somewhere along those lines and also dedicated my times to do (and won) some architecture competitions, but i already forget the times lol. I probably mess up the timeline above too hahaha.)

If i lay down the list, i think i’ve done lots of things. i experienced lots of things during my school, i thought i must be an architect since i’ve already come so far. that’s why i decided to continue my school to professional degree.

And then, here comes the final submission of professional degree studio. When it was only two days away to the deadline, a thought suddenly hit me.

“what am i doing here when i don’t even have any talent in architecture? what am i doing when i’m a no good for this? i don’t even make any progresses and keep falling behind my friends”

I swear i tried my best not to compare myself to my friends. I know half of my class had earlier experiences since they chose to work first before coming back to take the professional degree, and half of them are the same year as me but i always think they’re better than me.

I really, truly tried my best not to compare myself with other people.

but the thing is, i could not chase the inferior thought away. fortunately i still have some energy to finish my final submissions, so i didn’t fail this semester hahaha.

However, when my semester break came, i was at lost.

from the moment i got the negative thoughts, i wonder why did i like architecture in the first place. i wrote down some dreams on my notebook, but when i read them again i lose all the will to chase them.

I spent two whole days to figure out what was i feeling just to find out that i’ve had this experience back in my second year of architecture school. Back then, i was so depressed that i didn’t leave my bed for a whole week (my roommate was really worried since she was the only one who knew i didn’t leave our room at all lol). All i did was crying on my bed, i lost my appetite, i lost my will to go to school, i didn’t know what to do nor anything i wanted to do.

I was such a mess, but that time, it was because i was having an argument with my tutor. (Oh, i must warn anyone who wants to take the road to architectural field, you MUST have a heart of steel. I kid you not, it’s a battlefield in a studio). But this time, it was different. My studio life  was better and less stressful than my bachelor ones. So it kinda confuses me when the thought came and my confidence drifted away.

After two days of doing nothing, i finally made up my mind.

i’m going to rediscover myself.

i realised that the one that stops me from being confidence is actually my own self. i am the one who tells me that i’m not good enough. i’m the one who keeps doubting my own self. and IT IS NOT EASY to deal with yourself ( i mean it, you are the biggest enemy that you have). When someone doubts you or tries to take you down, it’s easier to show them the other way around. But when your own thoughts telling you the same thing, it naturally becomes your way of thinking.

i tried to reread my dream list. but then i realised, all of them were long-term wishes. It requires so much effort and times to reach. I figured out that’s the reason i never felt accomplished before. I always set a long-term goal.

and so, i tried making shorter ones. and not only shorter, but also simpler.

i wrote down my day-to-day wishes. such as ‘eating karaage’, ‘buy red-ink pen’, ‘watching a movie’ or ‘read over this book’, anything that can be done quickly. and it helps a lot. i feel more accomplished and relax. i finally know the reason i was so restless. it was because i’m afraid. afraid of what will tomorrow brings me, and what if i’m not ready yet? i forget rather than thinking if i can become an architect, i should just enjoy my times doing what i can and what i want and what can make me happy.

i focus too much on the future, i let my present self exhausted.

so these days i’m doing what i really like to do, and not stressing out my own self. i’m telling myself that it’s okay to take a break and not doing what everyone else is doing. it’s okay that i’m resting while everyone’s running to their dreams. because each of us has our own pace. and it’s okay not to compete with each other. it’s okay.

i tried to keep telling myself those lines and they actually boost my self-esteem little bit hahaha (a part of me still thinking that i might be just running away or making some excuses for myself lol).

but i decided not to be so hard on myself.

i decided that i don’t have to be happy all the time. i don’t have to be so in love with architecture and urban design all the time. i don’t have to spend all my times with my works and thinking about my future all the time.

it really takes a long time for me to realise that hahaha. but this is just the beginning of me rediscovering myself and my passion. i still need lots of time to find out what i want to be and what i want to do. but this time, i won’t stress over it 🙂

i still haven’t found why i like architecture in the first place, nor the reason why i haven’t given up yet when i’m clearly tired of it. but now, i think it’s okay to have those thoughts. maybe i could grow up learning lots of things while trying to explore the reasons, or maybe i could discover new things on the way 🙂

and that, concludes my thought of the day. hope everyone who stumbled across this post and feeling the same way might find it helpful or at least comforting enough hahaha.

let’s chase our dreams, but don’t stress over the future. it’s okay to take a rest, and it’s okay not to be competitive all the time. you deserve happy present times 🙂


Taste of Music

Last week I went to a concert with my two close friends. It was held in my uni so the price was not really high, and the players are from our uni too! They played such beautiful songs from the infamous classical composers like Bach, Beethoven and Mozart to the modern one like David Bruce.

To tell you the truth, tho i said i love musics, i didn’t know that those people are from different era lol (pardon my shortcomings, like i said my parents didn’t let me to be all in in my hobbies lol). I thought people said “classic” because the beauty would never cease through times and people will always love it. like, you know, when people say “oh! that’s so classic!” (yeah i’m such a naive one).

So, i just learn that Bach was from Baroque era, as well as Vivaldi. Classical era was where my fav one comes from, yep, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart–i swear if i got another chance to have a pet later i’d name him after Mozart, not like Potato, why did i even name my cat “potato”…–and, Beethoven came after his era, with Tchaikovsky, Schubert and Chopin in Romaticism. I mean i know Beethoven once was Mozart’s pupil, i just never thought that they belonged to different eras lol.

I also came across one of the modern one like David Bruce’s Triangle Concerto. It was cute, i had a jumpy heart lol. I mean it, it was so cute i search it up in youtube but i do not think there are many of people who played it yet? or is it because i did not search it enough? oh and Yiruma and also Steven Bear! God i love his compositions! He said that he was inspired by Joe Hisaishi and i can sense that 🙂


i do have favorites! you see, there are lots of beautiful musics there, but i can say that my favourites are Mozart’s and Joe Hisaishi’s!

well, who does not love them? not me of course haha. I fall in love with Mozart’s cheerfulness in his compositions, esp. in K.265/300e, you know, the twinkle-twinkle little stars haha. I know the song was meant for younger children, but it is indeed beautiful! I read Mozart’s story when i was kid, i saw him growing up in such a harmonious environment–not like Beethoven, that’s why his musics are mostly kinda sad and depressing to me–and was loved by many people. Maybe that’s why i can sense his cheerfulness in his musics. I just love cheerful musics lol.

But, it’s the other thing with Joe Hisaishi’s works tho. I knew him from Studio Ghibli‘s movies so i was once interested only in his anime-related musics. But then i search him up and fall deeply with his compositions! although i must admit, rather than the cheerful ones, i like the mellow ones with Hisaishi’s haha.

It’s like i have two composers who could interpret my feelings haha. Happy Mozart and Mellow Hisaishi haha. This one is probably the one that almost all people know from Hisaishi, “One Summer’s Day“. It was from Spirited Away. I can even shed a tear listening to this! I just watched his 2003 concert (in youtube ofc, i wish i have lotta money so i could go to concerts whenever i want), it was BRILLIANT i tell you. and if you’re curious what was i watching, it was “a Wish to the Moon, Etude/Encore 2003 Concert”.

(source : amazon)

I put Joe Hisaishi’s pic just because he is so handsome there lol (i consider people doing their things to be handsome haha)

I also went to a concert by Addie MS (a composer from Indonesia) and it was also beyond great, i remember i got goosebumps when the music was played.

Up to this day, whenever i listen to their compositions i would immediately think “how come they could come up with this beautiful melodies?“. Tho i bet it is indeed because they’re working hard AND enjoying themselves in it.

Besides them, i actually like old songs lol. Like 90’s songs. I actually take a great interest in songs like You Belong to Me by Bob Dylan, but enjoy Carla Bruni’s version more haha. Also, i like some of k-pop and j-pop songs like Arashi, NEWS, Hey! Say! Jump, Big Bang and Seventeen, and also Linkin’ Park (haha lots different genres i have there).

But nothing beats my love to Classical Songs–wait, if the eras are different, are they still called classical altogether? lol–since they soothe me the best haha!

Alright, done with this post! (what kind of closing is this)

Hope you guys have a great day/night!


late bloomer